black dress

I haven't posted in here for awhile, so in some ways it feels funny to- like what is the point? Does anyone even read this blog? I feel a need to post about this one though.

I learned a lot from this painting.. the experience, really.

I felt an urge to paint tonight and if you know the circumstances of where/why we are where we are right now, it would make sense that I shouldn't paint. We are back, for a short time, from a long road trip, visiting with family and getting some things in order.  I don't have canvas. I don't even have a paint brush.  I have a few small tubes of paint, but everything else is in storage for now.  So it really didn't make sense to paint; but I did. 

I sat outside, under the shelter of a screened-in porch, plugged in my headphones and listened to my music as the rain fell.  I painted, in black and white, and felt oddly pleased with how the painting was coming along.  I struggled over the details...her face, her hands. This has always been a troublesome spot for me in paintings.  As I debated how to move forward, a large gust of wind blew my cup of icky paint water over.  It fell over the canvas, and myself, and if you know anything about acrylic paint, you know that it is water soluble and therefore when met with water, tends to spread.  Immediately I was frustrated and wanted to just give up.  I dabbed the water off the canvas, and the paused to look.  I was taken aback by how much I  liked this version of the painting even more actually.

This painting speaks to me in a child-like way.  The way this girl dances- so bold, so wild, so undignified. And yet, there is such mystery about her.  Although there is obvious sadness, there is also obvious freedom.  And that, I can identify with.  

So- not at all the experience I would envision with painting, but it is the process itself that makes art.  

The process is everything.

Beautiful Chaos

So, this one is pretty different.  This is a family production and required group effort to complete, but I wanted to share a little about it on here anyway. 

I wanted to do a group project for two reasons.

1) It's late summer and we are all in desperate need for more creative outlets and 2) we're all in this together, so..why not?

The process went a bit like this. I put down papers of various types on the ground outside, brought out all kinds of materials the kids could use to paint, draw, and just be free to make crazy and fun art.  It honestly lasted all of 15 minutes though, as the kids started to paint their hands and arms and feet and... it was just a big, hilarious mess. I am thankful we were outside and I could hose them off! 

Anyway, we let these smaller art-works dry for awhile and then ripped them up- much to the kid's dismay- with the intention of creating a larger, even more beautiful picture.

The finished painting feels super crazy to me- because it is! The ripped shreds of paper peel off the canvas and in some places, even fall over off the edge of the canvas. There are bumps, imperfections, and crazy energy.  Total chaos- and yet, there is also something super fun and wildly beautiful about it. You can almost hear the laughter in it, can't you? There, in the midst of chaos, is joy!

It honestly didn't turn out as anything I expected it to be.  But I accept it anyway and I am finding so much joy in it and in the journey that got us here.  

That's life, right? 

Accept joy.

Allow yourself to be wildly free today.

Posture

Like most artists, I often begin with a blank canvas. It makes sense, right? However, this time I instead began to paint over a lovely, yet undone, painting. Let me explain why.

I am realizing lately in my life that all my thoughts and preconceived notions- particularly about myself and about God, need to be undone in some ways.  I have long believed the same lies about myself, and although perhaps lovely on the outside, a massive reconstruction needed (needs) to happen. My thoughts need to be realigned, recentered, around the truth.  The lies I have believed need to be covered with new thoughts, new truths. This reality is only found through the cross and what Jesus accomplished for us, and the freedom He offers us.  

I am realizing that although I have known/known of Jesus my entire life, I have not yet truly known Him or experienced the freedom that He came to give. I have instead gotten sucked into cycle after cycle, lie after lie- about myself and about God himself- what He thinks of me and who He is.  

I have had glimpses of that freedom, even seasons at times, but I consistently return to my chains; namely- fear, pain, and shame. Living in freedom doesn't/didn't seem realistic or practical for me.  Yes, I was granted moments...but a LIFE of freedom? It didn't seem possible. At least for me.  And yet, that's exactly what Jesus said He came for- to loose our chains and set us free, totally and completely. Life is not about me, has never been about me, will never be about me.  And yet, I live 98% of my time as though it is, getting caught up in worries, fears of the unknown, schedules/plans, material desires, distractions...

So what does freedom look like, for me?  Honestly, I'm not sure yet, but one thing I do know is that I need more of Him and less of me. I can do nothing apart from Him. Life is so much bigger than our small human feeble minds can even begin to comprehend. Our lives are a speck, a breath, a blink, in the grander scheme of eternity. ETERNITY. A word I cannot even begin to grasp in its entirety.

God is so much bigger too, than our worries, fears, pains, and shame.  And He is calling to us. To you. To me.

Listen. 

Respond.
Receive.

This is the posture I want to be in.
At the cross, always at the cross.
That's where freedom is found.

"He must become greater; I must become less." John 3:30

Be Set Free

This painting was really fun for me to create. I sometimes put a lot of pressure on myself when painting, wanting everything to look and feel the way I want it to.  This time, however, I went back to my painting roots-- think less, feel more, let my hands do the work.  I am really happy with the result, and even more, with the process. 

For those who know me know I have quite a few tattoos.  One of my favorites is the birdcage on my right forearm.  The birdcage is open and you can see the birds flying out and up my arm, eventually landing and resting on the branches of the tree that covers most of my back and shoulder.  I really like the symbolism of the open birdcage.  It reminds me of the verse in John 8:32- "Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free."

So often in life we feel caged- by emotions, expectations, past regrets, fears, you name it.  And yet, through Jesus, we have been set free; we are un-caged, per say.  However, it is important to note that being free, even staying free, is ultimately a choice.  The cage can be, and is, open.  The birds have a choice to fly out though.  They can remain in the cage their whole lives, knowing full well and seeing that it is open, but choosing to live there instead, in bondage essentially.  They can also fly out, get a glimpse of freedom, only to return to the cage, and thus placing themselves in bondage once again.  OR they can leave the cage, perch on the branches of the tree, and experience true freedom, for the tree gives life- the birdcage does not.  They may be tempted to return to the cage; afterall in an odd way, it feels safe, even comfortable.  However, if they never take the chance to fly away, to really leave the cage behind, they will never experience real freedom.  

I challenge you to think about the things, the places, the fears that you hold onto that keep in you caged- or that entice you to return to the cage.

Do you want to live in freedom?

Be brave, be daring, step outside the cage.

Freedom is yours.

May the truth set you free today.

Choose Hope

I have been thinking a lot about (and feeling) anxiety and fear lately.  I find that it is terribly easy to get caught up in fear and despair, even, at times.  For me right now, it's mainly in regards to my own health, but often it's other things too.  Anxiety is a life-sucking beast and can be so debilitating at times. So one day recently I got really caught up in this fear and decided to paint through it instead of sitting in it.  I remembered that I have read in a devotional earlier to "make the choice to rejoice."  And that's just it- to live in fear is a choice.  To live in joy, with hope, is a choice.  Jesus constantly tell us, "do not fear."  This is not a suggestion, but a command, and ultimately a choice.  To rejoice in our sufferings, to be thankful in all circumstances, to trust God despite what we feel.  The choice to rejoice.  To choose hope instead of fear and despair.  Easier said than done but this is what I have been trying to focus on instead of fear an anxiety- but it is definitely a moment by moment choice! 

I hope it can serve as a reminder for you all, too.

Choose hope.

Healing will follow.

Summer Rain

If there’s one thing that refreshes my soul in the hot summer  months, it’s a good rain.  A lot of people tend to grumble about the  rain, often deeming rainy days as gloomy, depressing, and even  useless because rain can often get in the way of the activities and  plans we have for ourselves that day.  However, what we often  forget, and even take for granted, is that rain, and water itself, is  essential to life.  At our house, we pray and thank God for rainy  days, praising Him for sending the rain that makes the flowers  grow. Like flowers, we also need rain.  Rainy days refresh the earth,  and, if we allow, slow us down, make time for rest, and feed our  souls.  

Allow your soul to be refreshed by the rain today.

the woman in wood

In painting, I have always been intimidated by faces.  I have taken a few drawing and painting classes that involved landscapes and portraits but I could never get the measurements quite right and was always discouraged.  It seemed that "real life" was not in my painting realm, and that was okay with me.  I think more abstractly so it would make sense that my art would follow in suit with that.

However, I have recently become somewhat obsessed with faces in my artwork.  I have begun to explore this new realm and have found such freedom in it.  The proportions may never be exactly right but hey, it's abstract and it's mine..and therefore it doesn't seem to matter so much.

My husband found this old frame in our attic and I have been staring at it for weeks trying to decide what to do with it.  Finally- a few weeks ago- I just sat down to paint it and this is what came of it.  Frankly, I like it a lot.

Sometimes I surprise myself.

Eye See You

I painted this one before Halloween but thought I would (finally) post it.  Obviously I need to be better at updating my blog.  No real explanation to this one...I just had an idea- surprising for me!- and went with it.  It didn't turn out at all how I had envisioned it, but life usually happens that way! 

I am happy with the way it turned out.

"But the eyes are blind, One must look with the heart." 

[-antoine de saint-exupery]

Her

My sister, Annalise, asked me to create a painting for her for her birthday this past November. She said she didn't care much about what it looked like, she just wanted the theme to be around "nature."  It sounds silly, but it made me nervous to have a theme.  For the most part, I never have an idea of what I am going to paint; it just sort of..happens. My thoughts on this blog are not pre-thought but rather an after-thought, a reflection of my experience.  So beginning a painting with an idea, especially under the pressure of someone else's expectations, was intimidating to me.  However, I did it and this is what came of it.

Like many of my paintings, I begin one way and at some point, there is a shift into something that I can't explain in words.

This is the note I wrote to her that went along with the painting:

"I know this was probably not what you were expecting for a nature painting.  Where are the leaves and rainbows and trees?  I have a hard time beginning a painting with an idea, but I did try this time- for you!  I was trying to do some kind of rainy, sunset, ocean thing but it wasn't working and I was getting frustrated.  I stopped to take a breath and look at it before starting completely over, and that's when I saw HER.

It's interesting what happens when art and beauty happens to be there in the midst of your mess.  Often because we are so discouraged and frustrated with what we want it to look like and how we want things to be, that we completely miss it.  Not until we step back, take a breath, and look from a new perspective, can we actually see what's there and what was always meant to be.

I call it "accidental art" and it's my favorite, but it's really no accident at all.  There is purpose in every movement, every happening, every brush stroke.  Even when we can't feel it or see it, it is there.  She is there.

Out of the mess, comes beauty.
Out of chaos, comes peace.
Out of the ashes, comes life.

There is purpose in all of nature and in all of YOU.

So, no, this is not your average painting of a tree.  It is not a nice, well-developed landscape.  And yet, the very essence of nature is emanated through it.

It radiates.
And so do you."

courageous

Lately I have been thinking about the word "courage."  When we think about courage, we think about people that often have placed themselves in situations that require bravery, perseverance, and fighting against the odds. Some that come to mind for me at first thought are Martin Luther King Jr, Nelson Mandela, Abraham Lincoln, Frederick Douglass, Helen Keller...the list goes on and on.  These people are famous for their courage. So where does that leave us? What does courage look like for us in our daily, and sometimes obscure, lives?

When I think about those who are famous for their courage and the lengths that they went to in order to accomplish what they did, my life all of a sudden feels very small and my level of courage even smaller.  Lions are often the symbol of courage. I do not think of myself as a lion, but rather something a little more timid, a little more afraid, and a lot less confident.

However, when I look at the definition of "courage" in its core context, I feel somewhat different.

 Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defines courage as "the ability to do something that you know is difficult or dangerous." 

This, I do everyday.

Everyday I wake up, get out of bed, do what needs to get done and some. I work, go to school, take care of my house and my family, and I learn from all of that.  

LIFE is difficult. LIFE is dangerous.

We are all courageous in our core.

We are all lions.

Be courageous and unleash the lion today.

"Courage does not always roar.  Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" 

[-mary anne radmacher]

the fractured woman

I painted this one a few weeks ago but have been slow to update the blog due to the end of the school semester and Christmas rapidly approaching.  I don't have very much to say about this painting except to say that the woman in the painting was an odd and yet very fantastic mistake.  I had no intention of her being there but when I stepped back to look at the finished product, there she was.  

The problem that I have (or had) with this painting is that the paint is cracking on it.  I experimented with a new type of canvas for this one and this is the result I received? In all honesty though, it's an oil canvas (meant to be used with oil paints) so I should have figured that gouache might have some sort of alternate reaction--I dismissed this possibility, however, and continued to use the gouache.  I'm not a huge fan of oil paints anyway-- too expensive and they take forever to dry! 

All this to say, the paint has already cracked in many areas, but the longer I look and take that in, the more I actually prefer it that way.  The woman has a very frail and and yet beautiful persona about her.  I think perhaps that she, in more ways than one, represents the fragility and tenderness that is present in God's craftsmanship of every woman.  Whether we want to admit it or not, we are frail.  We are easily broken and cracked, and yet there is such beauty that shines in the midst of that....for, as in the painting, she is still standing and still lovely as ever. 

I hope this can encourage you (and not only the ladies!) to stand firm when you feel broken and cracked.  

There is still beauty to be found.  

After all, it is the cracks that allow light to shine through.

"Maybe its like you said before, all of us being cracked open.  Like each of us starts out as a watertight vessel.  And then things happen- these people leave us, or don't love us, or don't get us, or we don't get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another.  And the vessel starts to crack in places.  And I mean, yeah once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable.  Once it starts to rain inside the Osprey, it will never be remodeled.  But there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and when we finally fall apart.  And its only that time that we see one another, because we see out of ourselves through our cracks and into others through theirs.  When did we see each other face to face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours.  Before that we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade, but never seeing inside.  But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in.  The light can get out."

[-John Green]

art ed screening

Yesterday I got an e-mail from the Art Education department at Towson in regards to the screening that took place about two weeks ago.

For those of you that don't know, I have been working hard in school towards the goal of becoming an art teacher.  Part of the process, at Towson, is what is called a "screening."  In this, I had to create a portfolio of some of my best art work and present it in front of a group of judges, as well as in front of every other student applying for the program.  I was nervous but felt confident, both in my art work and in my competency to become a good art teacher.

The e-mail I received last night determined that I did not make the cut this year.  I was denied; and needless to say this made me quite sad and deeply discouraged.  Up until this point, I had worked hard in school and planned my class schedule accordingly, expecting to start in the Art Ed program this year.  Now I have to say that I am honestly unsure of which direction to go from here.  Forward, I guess.  

I feel discouraged to say the least.  I felt so courageous and self-assured, and I had been so thoroughly encouraged by others that I was confident I would be accepted. When I received the e-mail last night, I did not want to talk to anyone about it. I felt a sad sense of embarrassment, because everyone else was so sure that I would be accepted, and now that I wasn't...what could anyone say as consolation?

I want to give up, honestly. What's the point? I worked so hard, and for what? I'm back at square one.  Yes, I can reapply next year and go through the screening process again, but right now I am so discouraged that I feel like it is pointless.  I keep asking God, why? Why bring me this far if only to change my direction again? 

This new painting is a reflection of my response to the e-mail.   I was actually painting at the time I received it.  I felt good about the original painting; however, after I got the email, I saw the painting in a different light.  I scraped off all the paint with a palette knife, which left a terrible gray color that covered the entire canvas.  I sat and stared at it for awhile, then with great effort, decided to try again.  I can't let such a setback cause me to give up and to no longer believe in myself. I must press on, I must continue in my art and in my life. There is still hope for me.

I know that God is good and that He has a plan for my life.  I don't understand why this happened and I don't know what to do now, but I know He will direct my path, even now. 

All I can do now is press on and keep moving.

Forward. Always forward.

"Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up.  They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be."

[--Charles Jones]

hope more

Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed.  For those who know me well, this is not a new feeling, as I, more often than not, feel overwhelmed, stressed, or anxious.  To cope, I have been trying to be more disciplined about doing things that are relaxing and really being where I am, in that moment.  It is hard. Last week someone asked me a question that I have been earnestly trying to focus on since then.  

Ask yourself: 

When I am 80 years old, will I wish that I did MORE or LESS of this?

I have been so challenged and encouraged by this question the past week.  It has radically changed the way I think, and slowly changing the way I function day to day, moment to moment.  When I get consumed with my to-do list, I ask myself that question.  When I am 80 years old, will I wish that I got more things checked off my to-do list, or will I wish that I spent more intentional time with my son?

The answer is obvious. 

This painting came at a time when I was over-thinking the world again. I was overwhelmed and caught up in what "needed" to be done. So instead of feeling overwhelmed and stressed, I chose to paint. I chose to relax. I chose to be content in the moment. I chose to take care of myself. I chose to believe that I would not always feel overwhelmed, stressed, and anxious. I chose to believe that I am okay, just the way I am. I chose hope, and I am trying to choose it everyday since.

Embrace yourself today, just the way you are.

Choose hope. Choose life.

Hope more.

"We are all lying in the gutter, but some of us are gazing at the stars." -Oscar Wilde

 

i spy

I have completed a few pieces since my last post and have been so bad at updating this blog! I will try to be better!

This painting was simply for fun.  I was seeking a release, particularly from stress, and the experience I had creating this painting accomplished just that.  I began with a black canvas, because for some reason I like to start dark and bring the lights out, as I'm sure you have noticed in previous pieces.  I have a few art books that I ripped pieces from as you can see-- this was most therapeutic in itself because it required so little thought.  I blew through the pages of the book, ripping and tearing and quickly pasted the pieces to the canvas.  There is no pattern to the madness, and yet each piece was placed with such purpose and so intentionally.

After the ripping process, I proceeded to tape an outline around the scraps and paint the outer edge.  I used a palette knife, which is my most favorite painting tool, among other strange instruments I can find. (I rarely, rarely use actual brushes). I love using knives to paint because it is so easy to move the paint around.  I love the act of scraping and removing the paint, as it leaves an amazing layer of thinner, textured paint.  I work quickly this way, almost subconsciously... I think it's absolutely fantastic.

The last feature of this particular piece of art, which really ties the whole thing together, is the random found objects that I have spontaneously, yet also deliberately, attached to the piece.  I find the painting interesting, enticing, and simply just enjoyable to look at.  It reminds me of an "I spy" photo, which I think is why it is so fun to look at.

hope you like it too.

rest

Rest.

Such a short word but such a hard concept to grasp.

For me at least.

Lately I feel like I'm always on the go. Even when my body is still, my mind is racing- always moving, planning, rearranging my schedule.  Little, simple decisions become something entirely too big in my mind, as I think of what will happen before, during, and after each event and how I need to be prepared for it.  And if something does not go according to plan (of which I can always count on, because my days never seem to go as "planned"), I freeze.  For some reason, I find it very challenging to cope with the change of plans, whether big or small.  Because, in my mind, everything interconnects. It's difficult for me to compartmentalize events and situations; I therefore have an even more difficult time being in the present moment, which makes me sad.

This is a struggle for many.

For me, I am trying to be more intentional about resting, not only my body, but more importantly my mind and my spirit. This is essential to my well-being and to my level of sanity. I am learning that if I take time to rest and revive my spirit, letting go of my obsessive planning and giving up my need for control, I am much happier, more relaxed, and can actually function much more successfully.  It seems simple, but it's such a discipline lately for me.  I feel like I am constantly reminding myself to slow down and to just do the next thing.  Then, when I'm done with that, to do the next thing- instead of thinking of everything I need to do from now until next Christmas, feeling completely overwhelmed, and freezing again. 

To rest does not necessarily mean laying down and taking a nap. Resting is experienced in many different ways and is unique to each person.  My mind needs a break more than my body most of the time. I do my best resting when I paint or sew or read or even exercise.  Resting, for me, means putting down the planner. It means living, breathing, focusing on the moment, this moment- no matter how many things seem to be pressing against us.

Just get up and do the next thing.

Simple, right?

old rag

This is a painting that I created as a Christmas gift for my dad this year. I wrote him a letter explaining the meaning behind it and why I felt that it was meant for him; and while it is probably difficult for others to understand the backstory, I still wanted to post it. 

Here is a little blurb from the letter to my dad:

"When I think of your experience and look at the painting, a quote comes to mind: 'What we see depends mainly on what we look for' (John Lubbok).  If we look around and see fog, we get discouraged and feel that our journey was not/is not worthwhile.  Like the fog, our eyes are clouded and we are unable to see beyond the haze.  However, if we look for majesty, if we look for beauty, we see the promises of God, in the midst of the fog.  Even in the darkest night and in the cloudiest of fogs, the promise remains and if we search for it, we will find it."

enjoy :)

the art of breaking

In general, when we see or hear the word “remember” I feel like we associate it with remembering someone or something, as opposed to an experience or an emotion.  This can obviously vary by person or situation, but when I personally think of this word I tend to think of a memory of someone or associate it with a phrase such as “in remembrance of” or “in memory of.”

In the case of this painting, however, I chose the word “remember” for a different reason.  For me, I feel like I am constantly reminding myself to remember basic things. Like, remembering to breathe. Remembering that I’m loved.  Remembering that I’m free.  It may sound simple or even silly, especially in remembering to breathe because that’s such a basic and natural thing.  But I so often find myself holding my breath and when I finally realize this and remind myself to breathe, I am released in a way that I cannot adequately describe in words. It is an experience.

The other piece of this painting is what I like to think of as the art of breaking, represented by a butterfly made out of broken cds. It’s interesting, actually, because cds are a lot harder to break than you would think. I tried bending and smashing them but it took more strength than I first thought to actually break them. I think we are like this too. Our whole beings are bent and eventually shatter.  Yet, through the act of being broken, we are created into something new, something beautiful, and something that we could have never been without the breaking.

This painting was so frustrating for me because it has taken the longest time to finish it. WEEKS. Which is very unusual for me because I am typically able to crank out paintings in a couple hours.  This one really gave me a hard time though, and I had to keep coming back to it because I felt like it was incomplete and frustratingly imperfect.  I wanted it to tell a great story and really speak about what I’ve been learning and hearing.  I wanted it to move people.

Last night I finally let go, and instead of trying to fabricate something I let my hand take over and let my heart move me. 

This is what I came up with. 

This is where I’m at.

This is the art of breaking.

Lilies of the Field

The thought behind this painting is difficult for me to explain. For me, it was simply an expression of spontaneous worship and of joy, being in the place that I am right now, my heart finally knowing the truth.  The painting is first a reminder of God's faithfulness to provide, as he has constantly and consistently provided for me my whole life. His provision is unfathomable to me. In Matthew 6, Jesus talks about the lilies of the field and how if he clothes them, how much more will he clothe us and provide for us? Hence, I painted some flowers to remind me of this.  This painting is also a reminder to me that God is El Roi, the God who sees. He sees me in my brokenness, in my frustration, in my joy, when I cry out to him in anger, when I cry out to him in fear and in pain. He sees everything. Not only in the emotional and the spiritual realm, but also in the physical and in the natural. He sees into the depths of our beings, he sees our wounds.  He sees the wrongs committed against us and promises to bring forth justice. Although many times we feel abandoned by God, he promises to never leave us or forsake us. This we can be confident in. 

eyes that see

"What we see depends mainly on what we look for."

[-John Lubbok]

Royalty

This painting was created for and is dedicated to all my women of the world.  It is meant to capture the very heart of a woman.  The desire to be pursued, the desire to captivate, the desire to be beautiful. The desire and longing to be worthy, deeply loved, and cherished.

I named it "royalty' because that's what we, as women, were created to be.  Jesus created us and fashioned us to be queens.  And somewhere in the midst of our hardships, our relationships, and the mundane days of our lives, we have lost sight of this.

We are His.

We are royalty.

And instead of being clothed in shame and guilt and fear, He clothes us in beautiful, royal purple robes, crowns us and calls us worthy.