Yesterday I got an e-mail from the Art Education department at Towson in regards to the screening that took place about two weeks ago.
For those of you that don't know, I have been working hard in school towards the goal of becoming an art teacher. Part of the process, at Towson, is what is called a "screening." In this, I had to create a portfolio of some of my best art work and present it in front of a group of judges, as well as in front of every other student applying for the program. I was nervous but felt confident, both in my art work and in my competency to become a good art teacher.
The e-mail I received last night determined that I did not make the cut this year. I was denied; and needless to say this made me quite sad and deeply discouraged. Up until this point, I had worked hard in school and planned my class schedule accordingly, expecting to start in the Art Ed program this year. Now I have to say that I am honestly unsure of which direction to go from here. Forward, I guess.
I feel discouraged to say the least. I felt so courageous and self-assured, and I had been so thoroughly encouraged by others that I was confident I would be accepted. When I received the e-mail last night, I did not want to talk to anyone about it. I felt a sad sense of embarrassment, because everyone else was so sure that I would be accepted, and now that I wasn't...what could anyone say as consolation?
I want to give up, honestly. What's the point? I worked so hard, and for what? I'm back at square one. Yes, I can reapply next year and go through the screening process again, but right now I am so discouraged that I feel like it is pointless. I keep asking God, why? Why bring me this far if only to change my direction again?
This new painting is a reflection of my response to the e-mail. I was actually painting at the time I received it. I felt good about the original painting; however, after I got the email, I saw the painting in a different light. I scraped off all the paint with a palette knife, which left a terrible gray color that covered the entire canvas. I sat and stared at it for awhile, then with great effort, decided to try again. I can't let such a setback cause me to give up and to no longer believe in myself. I must press on, I must continue in my art and in my life. There is still hope for me.
I know that God is good and that He has a plan for my life. I don't understand why this happened and I don't know what to do now, but I know He will direct my path, even now.
All I can do now is press on and keep moving.
Forward. Always forward.
"Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be."
[--Charles Jones]
